Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Confessions of a messed up mind
One day i decided to join the rat race!
I was so happy,cos i knew i would ace.
But the very next day,i was back on a wild chase,
I wondered if it was some kind of phase?
Lost in my own expectations,
Every step i took was with hesitation.
Din't knew what i am talking about,
Sometimes,i felt i just needed to get out!
So many thoughts,
So many things to be sought,
Sometimes,these battles are not well fought!
and i still give it a shot!
So messed up in my head,
Attimes i feel so dead!
What makes me go through these struggles?
Is still a puzzle?
Many nights i just can't sleep,
There are feelings that are seeded deep,
I sit down for hours and weep,
Its like i am drowning in an emotional sea.
when i sleep in the dead mornings,
I am running and escaping,
From the realities of my life,
Do i care,how i will survive?
yes i do!
But,the realization of what this state i am in,
Gives me chills!
It's like i know i am in hell,
I know my soul is unwell,
And yet i put up a good show!
So that no one knows,
The pain i hold!
When i know that the show won't last,
I break down into the shells of my past,
Each questioning me was i not worthy?
Each reminding me the games people played where filthy!
I ask do i deserve to be loved?
I feel i was not loved!
Was there something lacking in me?
Or was it that,the men i met were intimated by me!!??
I wander deeper in these conversations with myself,
Breaking down and entering into a cocoon of silence.
Silence is said to be the loudest scream,
Breaking many walls and many dreams!
The feeling of utter lonliness,
Starts sinking in,
Its a walk in the pitch dankness,
Where seeing a hope is like a sin!
Its' like a dance with the death,
The vampires of my life are well fed!
I tend to succumb to all this numbness,
But at some striking point it is an utter dumbness!
So many unsaid thoughts have fizzled in the way,
I wish i can catch them some day!
Sometimes things are well said,
But most of the times its just a mess!
Confessions of a messed up mind,
So much to catch up and lots to whined,
Striking a balance in life doesn't come easy,
Most of the times,i act insanely busy!
Its a feeling,that i didn do much with my life,
All i did was,i survived!
The attacks of the vulturous minds,
Some where worldly and some where mine!
Lately,i have stumbled upon the truth,
Its ruthless and it tells me am the brute!
Its very painful to see this reality,
All the while i was lacking clarity.
People tell me,i am being hard on me,
I have gone through a lot,"so darling let it be."
But i say no!!!
If,i let it be,
I will lose me!
Let these confessions of a messed up mind be!
atleast there will be a clear state of my being!
I am not here just to live or survive,
There is more to my life!
The less confused i may seem now,
But,chances are high that i may fall down,
Capturing this state of mind right now.
Shall turn the tables around!
And so shall it be!!!
I shall discover a new me!
But for now let me be!
- ▼ 2009 (11)